Posted 1:31 PM

Hi. I realise I haven't been updating. There's nothing to update. Sometimes I'm in this mood where I want everyone to come talk to me, but I don't know how to reply back. Sometimes I don't want people to talk to me, but I feel like talking to people. Sometimes I wanna just leave this place and go sit up high alone or with my sweetie in the snowy mountains or on grassy patches and watch cows eat and horses run. School has been terrible. I've been absolutely unmotivated about school this semester. It's my last semester. So I tell myself does it matter? As long as I pass all I'll be fine right? My CAP can't be pulled up. As long as it doesn't go too far down I'll graduate and be good right? I've skipped more lectures than I can ever imagine. I've even skipped tutorials.

School sucks. I totally regret over my college experience (even though it's not over). There's in no fun. I made no friends. No clubs, no societies, no sports teams. Nothing. Mentoring? Yes for one year, plus I met the most beautiful girl in my life. But in school, I've no friends. Only project mates. No offense (I don't care if u take any anyway), but my msn is flooded with indians, malays, PRCs' contacts. And there is no communication other than the usual "hey r u free can help me do survey ty'. Ok so fellow chinese too. I feel like deleting msn altogether. In school I seem to wave and say hi often. No wrong I don't wave in school. I just tilt my head up, and throw up a "hey". Most of the times I don't know their names. I go to lectures and sit alone. Sometimes there are people I know. But I don't sit with them 'cos they seem to sit in a group and I feel extra. Plus, I really prefer to sit at the last row so I can look at everyone and nobody can see me. I'm that weird. Same goes for tutorials. I wanna be more confident. I'm trying. So well while in classes we group up and discuss. After class we leave. Some people go for lunch. Some people go library whatever. I just walk away alone, and nobody knows one another's names. My faculty sucks. I don't have classmates. Taking a shared major doesn't help 'cos I'm looking at year 2s for one and year 3s for another subject. And the split causes me to interact less with either side. I've no passion. I'm only learning one 'cos I hate it least, and learning the other 'cos I thought it might help me open more doors. They're both boring, and I've failed to see how they relate to life. Everyday I go to school, I sit down, open up my bag, take out my notes. Listens. Day dreams. Break. Calls/smses sweetie. Lecture resumes. Listens. Day dreams. Ends. Leaves. Calls/smses. Proceed to next destination. Leave for home. I don't talk to more than 5 people. This includes the canteen aunties who sell me my favourite mi fen mian and shun kueh. The moment I reach school, is the moment I can't wait for school to end. Yes, sometimes I don't even go, and I take a scolding from my sweetie, who definitely just wants the best for me. I regret not joining any ccas. It would be nice to have some friends and we can eat together, study together, ask one another questions over studies or anything, and spend our time on the cca. I think I'm not wrong by claiming myself to be 'the most friendly loner in school'. Yup. Nice tag huh. I console myself. I tell myself school is school. When you graduate you will get a job, and you will save, so that you can get married and provide a good life for yourself, your wife and your family, and your parents and loved ones and all those people you have to repay. But I don't know what to do. There are things I wanna try but I really can't 'cos I don't satisfy the pre-requisites, and there are things I wanna try but I feel very not confident about because I know absolutely nothing. I want to be encouraged, but I guess a man can't have these luxuries. I'll have to stand up on my own if I ever fall down, and I'll become a man that people can depend on, and I'll become a man that rescues any situation.

But for now I'll have to deal with this:

"Doesnt matter... HahaHaha.. I hate u"

I'll summon all my strength.....

triggering Mr Ng HS |