Usually have a lot of things to say. Just no mood to blog. =x
25 years old.
NUS graduate.
Now earning a living as someone who has to speak properly, spell properly, write properly.
No I'm not working for Sesame street!
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Thursday, June 09, 2005
Hi everyone,
My name is Trent. I'm your host for today. The topic for today is...
"Uncover the secret within me."
You? No. I mean, me. I was more or less coerced to see a doctor on tuesday night.
Argh. I don't even know how to start. But doctor says if can let your friends know about it, you will feel more comfortable and relaxed.
So... what better way then to put it on this kinky blog, where all my friends (and strangers) can read and know what's happening.
Argh. Ok I really don't know how to start. The next sentence you read might come as a sudden tremor, or perhaps if you think you know me well, it's merely a confirmation of your latest suspicisons.
Your good friend here, IE me me me, has been told by the doctor that he has anxiety disorder.
I wasn't diagnosed. We just sat there and I answered many of his questions. He asked if I lost weight and checked my blood pressure and heartbeat and the usual stuff. And all was ok. Then he asked if there was anything I went through, haha as if some event totally shell shocked me or something. He also asked if there was anything he wanna tell me. Uncle and my mum said they will leave the room. I said there's no need. There were 2 moments in the room when I felt like crying. I think it was because I got too emotional. The second time, I was really fighting hard to control the tears from coming out. Only the doctor was facing me, but I doubt he'd have noticed. He's so cute. He's a doctor, but he's talking to me a like a counsellor, or psychologist, or therapist. We spent 40minutes in the room. Mum said he's a dedicated doctor, because he was so patient talking to me, about cognitive stuff? Feelings thoughts behaviour etc. And told me to have more confidence in myself. He also said I can talk to my parents. Yah right.
Lost? Ok it's because I sweat too much and too easily. Not only when it's hot or when I make some small movements, but also when there are people, or when I have to talk. Some of you might not notice, I say it's 'cos I 'm comfortable with you and know you for a long time. Some of you will then say "wah then when you talk to me you sweat, you not comfortable with me lah?" I don't know I can't help it ok. Doctor said it's not a matter of will power, though thinking about something else might help. I think of Princess P. Still don't get it? I'm a super low confident being. It somehow contradicts. Like when I have so much stuff to say be it in tutorials, discussions, or projects, but most of the time when I speak I find myself sweating profusely, nevertheless the cold 20degrees air con environment I'm in. So it deters me. Doctor says some people are just not good in public speaking. Some people just sweat more than others. It is how I react that's more important. He said why do I care if people are looking at me if I'm sweating. I said because society is about people around you. He said they look at me might not be because I'm sweating, or if I'm on a bus with sticky sweaty arms and they touch me and they give me that yuck face or move away from me, doesn't mean they don't like me.
Ah ha yah right.
He said he can give me pills which will make me not sweat so much but it will dry up my lips and he doesn't see that as solution. He wants me to be able to control my feelings and attitude towards things and gave me some xanax pills, They're anti-anxiety pills. Uncle was so stupid. He asked if they're anti-depression pills. Hello?~??~~! Do I look like I need prozac?? But still I can't help but feel a bit of the stigma of being labelled as someone with anxiety disorder, although like I said there wasn't a diagnosis. He was just probably trying to explain I worry too much, about every thing. Which now that I come to think about it, is true.
Being the ever super paranoid me, I immediately suspected that the pills were merely placebo pops. Like you pop them in and you think that 'oh i'm recovering yeah i feel good' but they're actually of non-medicinal value and just toy with your brain and mind telling you're ok, which inadvertently boosts your confidence whatever. There's no way I can tell if they're true or fake of course, and I believe they're real, not that it means they will work. I have to take twice daily after food for 14 days. Doctor said I can keep a diary noting down the times where I sweat too much with no reasonable excuse and to show him after 2 weeks, if I want to. If I feel comfortable or for no reason I don't want to see him again, it's also fine.
It's a viscious cycle. Once I start to sweat, I get more anxious and nervous, and I sweat more, and I become more self-conscious and everything, and I sweat more, and it goes on. So doctor wants me to calm myself down.
I did a check on Xanax.
is an anti anxiety agent...Used primarily for short-term relief of mild to moderate anxiety and nervous tension..
Well that's the end of today's talk show. I like this kinda talk show because I'm the only one talking. In my mind that is. Thanks for reading till here. At the end of the doctor trip I felt really alone. I felt this label stuck to my head. I felt that I was so different from people. And that I want to be the same. You guys probably are saying I'm the same. You all don't understand... I hope you all will someday.
It's my 2nd day today swallowing that little pill. =)
triggering Mr Ng HS |
My name is Trent. I'm your host for today. The topic for today is...
"Uncover the secret within me."
You? No. I mean, me. I was more or less coerced to see a doctor on tuesday night.
Argh. I don't even know how to start. But doctor says if can let your friends know about it, you will feel more comfortable and relaxed.
So... what better way then to put it on this kinky blog, where all my friends (and strangers) can read and know what's happening.
Argh. Ok I really don't know how to start. The next sentence you read might come as a sudden tremor, or perhaps if you think you know me well, it's merely a confirmation of your latest suspicisons.
Your good friend here, IE me me me, has been told by the doctor that he has anxiety disorder.
I wasn't diagnosed. We just sat there and I answered many of his questions. He asked if I lost weight and checked my blood pressure and heartbeat and the usual stuff. And all was ok. Then he asked if there was anything I went through, haha as if some event totally shell shocked me or something. He also asked if there was anything he wanna tell me. Uncle and my mum said they will leave the room. I said there's no need. There were 2 moments in the room when I felt like crying. I think it was because I got too emotional. The second time, I was really fighting hard to control the tears from coming out. Only the doctor was facing me, but I doubt he'd have noticed. He's so cute. He's a doctor, but he's talking to me a like a counsellor, or psychologist, or therapist. We spent 40minutes in the room. Mum said he's a dedicated doctor, because he was so patient talking to me, about cognitive stuff? Feelings thoughts behaviour etc. And told me to have more confidence in myself. He also said I can talk to my parents. Yah right.
Lost? Ok it's because I sweat too much and too easily. Not only when it's hot or when I make some small movements, but also when there are people, or when I have to talk. Some of you might not notice, I say it's 'cos I 'm comfortable with you and know you for a long time. Some of you will then say "wah then when you talk to me you sweat, you not comfortable with me lah?" I don't know I can't help it ok. Doctor said it's not a matter of will power, though thinking about something else might help. I think of Princess P. Still don't get it? I'm a super low confident being. It somehow contradicts. Like when I have so much stuff to say be it in tutorials, discussions, or projects, but most of the time when I speak I find myself sweating profusely, nevertheless the cold 20degrees air con environment I'm in. So it deters me. Doctor says some people are just not good in public speaking. Some people just sweat more than others. It is how I react that's more important. He said why do I care if people are looking at me if I'm sweating. I said because society is about people around you. He said they look at me might not be because I'm sweating, or if I'm on a bus with sticky sweaty arms and they touch me and they give me that yuck face or move away from me, doesn't mean they don't like me.
Ah ha yah right.
He said he can give me pills which will make me not sweat so much but it will dry up my lips and he doesn't see that as solution. He wants me to be able to control my feelings and attitude towards things and gave me some xanax pills, They're anti-anxiety pills. Uncle was so stupid. He asked if they're anti-depression pills. Hello?~??~~! Do I look like I need prozac?? But still I can't help but feel a bit of the stigma of being labelled as someone with anxiety disorder, although like I said there wasn't a diagnosis. He was just probably trying to explain I worry too much, about every thing. Which now that I come to think about it, is true.
Being the ever super paranoid me, I immediately suspected that the pills were merely placebo pops. Like you pop them in and you think that 'oh i'm recovering yeah i feel good' but they're actually of non-medicinal value and just toy with your brain and mind telling you're ok, which inadvertently boosts your confidence whatever. There's no way I can tell if they're true or fake of course, and I believe they're real, not that it means they will work. I have to take twice daily after food for 14 days. Doctor said I can keep a diary noting down the times where I sweat too much with no reasonable excuse and to show him after 2 weeks, if I want to. If I feel comfortable or for no reason I don't want to see him again, it's also fine.
It's a viscious cycle. Once I start to sweat, I get more anxious and nervous, and I sweat more, and I become more self-conscious and everything, and I sweat more, and it goes on. So doctor wants me to calm myself down.
I did a check on Xanax.
is an anti anxiety agent...Used primarily for short-term relief of mild to moderate anxiety and nervous tension..
Well that's the end of today's talk show. I like this kinda talk show because I'm the only one talking. In my mind that is. Thanks for reading till here. At the end of the doctor trip I felt really alone. I felt this label stuck to my head. I felt that I was so different from people. And that I want to be the same. You guys probably are saying I'm the same. You all don't understand... I hope you all will someday.
It's my 2nd day today swallowing that little pill. =)
triggering Mr Ng HS |