Posted 9:26 PM

Tough times

Hey. It's time to show the irritating sensitive side of me. I found this picture and I think it's nice. I also found this music to go along with it, which I think it's appropriate describing my mood now. I don't know who drew it, but I thank you it's a lovely picture. To complement the picture, I wrote some chinese words. Quickly translated it means stars extinguish, but never my love for you.

Princess P wrote a long email saying she wanna spend christmas eve with me, saying that she loves me and that I'm someone special in her life. But she also mentioned a lot of things which upset her, which I personally felt it was uncalled for. Then again, how many times have I myself thought that she has upset me. Perhaps I should not be taking heart into so many things.

There was a meeting today at 12pm. Initially I wasn't part of it but I got arrowed and I was told to attend. I told her I don't feel like going, and after last night's phone episode I just didn't feel like doing anything. So I turned my handphone to silent (no vibration) and went to sleep, knowing that they will call me later regarding the meeting. Yes I was being an irresponsible asshole, but it didn't matter to me. When I woke at 1pm, there were many missed calls, including Princess P. She also smsed me at 1145am asking me if I was on my way to the meeting. I came online and read her email, and replied it, and then I smsed her I just woke up. That was already 130pm.

She asked how come I wasn't at the meeting. I told her I already told the IC I wasn't going. She said she's at the meeting place now and feel like crying when she found out I wasn't there. I asked her why she was there because she wasn't part of the committee. She said she called me so many times and I didn't answer. I told her I was sleeping. She said 'but you told me your hp will still sound when I call you if you're sleeping', and I said yes but not this time because I knew the committee people will call me. She said she thought I fainted or something happened, and she took half day off from her work to go to the meeting, so that she can see me. I told her I appreciate her concern, but what she did didn't make sense. If I had fainted, I wouldn't be at the meeting, so she couldn't have seen me. If I was at the meeting, I'd have messaged her after I woke up before I went for the meeting. She then said she's an idiot for thinking that way. All this time her tone of voice was so harsh, I myself felt like crying.

The meeting ended at around 240pm. But she stayed with 2 more friends and chatted till about 7pm. I'm so jealous. I wish I could have her all by myself and talk to her in a cafe too. We were supposed to go out together tonight. I don't know what happened. I'm depressed, because I don't want this to happen. One day we're happy, and the next day we're like this. It's not healthy at all. I don't know what to do. I can't help it when I get upset so easily. Maybe that's why I fail in relationships. I want this to work. I don't know what to do. I'll try to be less affected by everything.

Yes I think that's the only way I can improve. I'll tone down my emotions, be it happy or sad. That way the mood wouldn't decide to go for a swing every now and then and it wouldn't hurt so bad.

She probably had a nice time at the cafe. I'm just wallowing in self pity. I guess I deserve it. I wanna call her, but I don't know what to say. I think she will come online to check the email I replied. If she doesn't it's ok. I also don't know what to say anymore.

Isn't the music nice? It's on loop so if you like it you can just leave the window open and listen to it, which is what I'm doing now.

Help.


triggering Mr Ng HS |