Posted 5:15 PM

Goodbye.

It feels like a dream.

20smses sent by each of us within 100 minutes.

I cried, not because I got bullied, or someone did something hurtful, or something caused me to be angry. I cried because I felt that everything's going wrong between us.

It's just a cheap, emotionless, liveless deuter bag.

You make it sound like a big issue.

I said, I'm not a stubborn person. I was when I was young, everyone called me "ti-ki"; I think it meant 'stubborn' in teochew. As I grew I changed, which I believed was for the better, and I'm not a stubborn person now. You probably judged that from the Tiong Bahru incident. I clarify, I wasn't stubborn. I was just being dumb, or silly if you put it nicely. It's one of those things you look back later and laugh at yourself. Or when you take part in a contest tomorrow and they ask you "What's the stupidest thing you've done for a girl' or some nonsensical question they like to ask, and there I'll have this history to answer with. That is if I have a tomorrow.

Come to think of it again, I really can't believe that you actually left that night without contacting me. One of the greatest mysteries in my life is to know much I actually mean to you. The other time you were at KL and I received an sms from you, and I went yay. But no, it was one of those favour messages. I always replied with what you needed (or I tried to), knowing that there wouldn't be a thank you message proceeding mine. Sometimes I feel as if I'm a puppet. On normal times you don't even show interest in talking to me, and the smses come only if you need help, mainly because I assume that you think I'm online all the time to cater to your queries. On occasions my friends tell me to stop helping you thinking that you take me for granted. But how am I supposed to do that?? I console myself by thinking at least I'm one of those people you sms for help. Or maybe you messaged 10 people so you can't possibly message 10 thank yous. I wasn't being sarcastic when I said I understand how sms quotas are easily exceeded. But when you come online I thought you'd be nice to me. How terribly wrong I was. I don't know if you do it on purpose, but you always seem to conveniently forget whatever things that happened the days before, or make the conversation go to a dead end. That afternoon after your birthday I asked so how's the day, and you replied what day? When you said you had to go to NUS one day, I asked what for, and you replied I dunnoe.

Do you realise people have feelings, and these things hurt them? Well, after I go, it's not too late to treat your other friends better. My friends tell me I don't deserve you, not even as a friend. I thank them for their advice, and then I screw them upside down for saying such stuff about you.

But now, I think everyone's right from the start, and I'm probably the biggest fool. I don't regret not listening to them, but I'm sorry for myself that things turned out this way all the time. I cried so much, everytime we talk online and you just log off suddenly. I think about you. I couldn't sleep. I turned off the lights only to stare at the hanging glow in the dark dolphins you gave me long ago. I think about why I bother so much about a person who couldn't care less about me. Or worse. I fall in love. I suspect that I've got it wrong inside, but I tried to tell you anyway. And I believed I did, but your responses..argh, only you yourself will know.

So I think I've got my judgement wrong afterall. My friends were right, and perhaps I was stubborn for not listening to them. Everytime I ask myself why can't you see how important you are to me my heart aches, and my heart aches now. People like to be appreciated, you know? People like to be talked to, and it doesn't include one word replies and dead end leading responses.

I don't know if my brain was playing a fool with me or I was just imagining again, but I wanted to kill myself last night. I never had the guts, but I'm sick of all this. Suicide is always regarded as one of the stupidest things to do, isn't it. If I go I'll miss so many things. I'll miss watching the simpsons. I'll miss playing soccer with my friends. I'll not be able to take part in the mentoring programme I signed up for. I'll not be able to go to the moscow circus next month. Oh and of course everyone will miss me. Like I'm there to care about them when I'm gone.

But on the other hand I'm so curious what's going to happen at the other side of the world. I believe in reincarnation, which means I myself was reincarnated, ah but who cares what I was in my past life. I'll be able to witness new things, probably more exciting than my present life. And I'll be devoid of all this hurt.

Now death is not a funny thing, nor is it something to joke about with. I thought of the ways I could die. Like jumping down the high storey or using a knife. I told myself I couldn't do that. The only way I see myself doing is pressing a gun trigger, because it's just one slight movement and it's over. But I don't have a gun, and I thank Singapore for not legalising weapons. Then I seriously thought about why do I want to die. And I think my answer was to make you guilty. I believe I'm a nice man, but at that point of time I probably wasn't. Because I wanted to kill myself and make you guilty for the rest of your life. Perhaps it's too much mushy romance movies or storylines, but I believe that was what I wanted. Then I thought, will you even be guilty? For this I didn't come up with an answer. And then it was about 330am, and I went to sleep (I was sitting up on my bed) hoping that I wake up and realise that all this is but a dream.

But I woke at 630am and I checked my handphone and all those smses were still there, which means it wasn't a dream. I then fumbled on the bed here and there before it was 9am and I turned on the computer because I promised to book badminton courts. And I did. Because I'm a responsible person.

I then went back to sleep. And I woke in the afternoon.

I don't feel like killing myself now, but in the event that I do, and succeed, or that I die in whatever way, here's some things to be done:

*All my story books, academic books, comic books, cds, vcds, computer, printer, television, telephone, soft toys, clothes, accessories and decorations are to be donated to charities.
*My mother will probably want one or two of my trophies and photos. The rest can be dumped.
*Burn me a bolster and two pillows, and a blanket in case I don't go to hell and it's cold.
*Burn me my rabbit. If at that point of time rabbit-burning is illegal, burn her when she dies.
*Return my ex girlfriends' stuffs to them if they want.
*Tell my father I don't wanna see him again, anywhere.
*Tell my popo I got there earlier.
*Tell my auntie relatives I hate them for comparing academic results when I was young with my cousins.
*Tell my mum that I wish her and her new husband-to-be a good life.
*Tell my brother and his wife to set up a nice family.
*Burn me a football so I can start a football academy before Pele and gang arrives.
*The hanging dolphins are to be burnt so I can have them. I'm not sure if they are bio degradable but who cares.

Here are some words I wanna say:

I'm crying. My keyboard is wet. I'm not kidding.
A life is not precious. It is how you make use of this life that will determine its worth. I'm sorry to all that I've not realised my potential that I know I have in me. I'm sorry to have no big ambition all this while. I'm sorry to have make anyone cry out tears of sorrow. There are sweet memories, but if I could, I would live my life again, all 22 years forgotten, so I can start afresh.
I love you all, and I've finally realised, if I love you, you don't have to love me back, not at all. Not even a single bit. Perhaps the other world will be a better place for me. 22plus x 365 days old, and we learn something everyday. I just don't know if I have another.

triggering Mr Ng HS |