Posted 9:32 PM

I flipped open the receptacle.

It was the Pandora's box of emotions I shouldn't have touched.

A box containing everything (almost) my first girlfriend gave.

Movie stubbs, poems, letters, cards, ornaments, small gifts, and lots of appreciation and love. I wonder if she still keeps the stuff I gave her, or has it been burnt or chucked down the chute. Maybe not by her will, but by her new (not so new) boyfriend's. That's right the boyfriend's gonna be a doctor someday. Me? Hah. She probably deserved someone better. I know the guy will love her and treat her well.

There were some letters from her a few weeks before she called it off. It's always so depressing to these sorta words because at that time when she wrote it they were so loving and comforting. Only that a few days later she tells you 'No we aren't compatible' and those sorta excuses, reasons. And only one more month to three years. That was how long it was.

I realise I've never had so much love for one person. And she really loved me. Argh. How could I have let her go. Should have flown to the states and looked for her. Yah like dumb cinderella movie scene. My friends in the army all praised me for wanting to wait for her as she starts her 3-4years of overseas study. Some said I was stupid and naive. Some even said things like 'Don't lie I'm sure you're cheating on her right now.' But all I did was waited and waited, for that loved one that never came back. And when I got dumped they pitied me, saying how nice a guy I was and it was the girl's mistake and that I'll find a better one. But I don't need their sympathies. I just needed her. Few thousand miles away physically away from me.

Perhaps the emotional distance was a further mileage. People change. It's only whether each party can adapt to the respective changes another makes. Unfortunately something went wrong inside those 35months of courtship.

As I think back, I realise the second relationship was a mistake. If I had a choice I'd rather not have stepped inside the web. Yes I regret. People do all the time. Things just happened too quickly. I was so stupid. But it came, and I thought I handled it well. And I didn't figure she wanted to dump me, which she did. It came as a surprise, or a shock? In any case, I thought we were ok.

Again you might ask how come I think the relationship was fine but yet when everything's over I regretted stepping into the relationship in the first place. It's hard to explain. But I'm glad it's over.

Now as I look forward, I'm afraid I don't look at relationships the same way. Sure sure you think I'm another one of those 'pitiful' people haunted by bad love experiences. In truth mine isn't that bad. But I'm not sure if I can handle another one. Haaha. Do people die down in emotions? Like not exposing so much of oneself to the other, nor doing as many things for the partner as before. It wouldn't be fair to the other partner would it? But they have been hurt before and don't wanna put in so much commitment, would that be understandable?

As usual, so many questions, no answers. The answers will come when the time comes.

triggering Mr Ng HS |